11 Things You Do Not Have To Do To Feel Loved In A Relationship
After seeing and experiencing some relationships in life we can tell you that most of us, if not all of us, have sinned on one level or another and passed some laws regarding things we are not allowed to do just to feel loved and maintain our relationship. We may not have been aware of it at all, or we may have been convinced that these are the right actions that will even benefit us and improve our lives, but there are some extreme things that no person in a relationship should do. So where exactly does the border cross? Are we really working to keep ourselves and our spouses happy or are we even hurting the chances of that happening? These are the 11 things you should not do just to feel loved in a relationship …
- Change your look
Spouses are said to become more similar to each other as they live together for more and more years, as part of a natural and even romantic process, but what often happens before that is that spouses try to change each other’s appearance with different advice and requirements. If you experience repeated comments and requests from your partner in order to make you change something in your appearance, whether it is your way of dressing or your weight, it is a problematic sign. The need to change another person’s appearance often stems from a feeling of shame in the partner, which is based on an inferiority feeling that exists in the person commenting, or for fear of living with an attractive person who may also gain interest from other people. In both cases the motives are harmful and are based on the consequences and fears of one party towards the other. Motivation for external change must be something that comes from free will and personal initiative and not as a way to please the other side in the relationship.
- To resemble a previous spouse
Every love we have had in life has a place of honor that is sometimes hard for us to erase from the heart, and the truth is that we should not either. What should still be avoided is to make frustrating comparisons between the previous and present spouse, and especially those that may lead to an attempt to resemble the same person. For most of us it’s hard enough to know that the person we love has loved another person in the past, and we certainly do not need constant reminders and comparisons to that penny or ex, or hints that we should act like. If your spouse chooses to live with you, he or she should internalize that you are who you are and not a substitute for anyone. Do not agree to live under the shadow of a previous love and be careful even if the interest in the ended relationship comes from your initiative, as your curiosity may lead you to a sense of competition. Let the past stay in place and remember that there is a reason that is not part of the present, and that you yourself are people who are changing and evolving.
- Change your character
We should say this clearly and in advance, many people do not take long after the stage of falling in love to reach the moment when they begin to ask the loved one next to them to change something in his character, thinking that this way they will feel less hurt or resentful. When your spouse asks you to change, try to explain to him that it is a kind of balance and for any change he or she asks you to make, they will be obligated to make the same amount of change themselves. This balance does not exist out of revenge but because devotion tends to strive for reciprocity, so it is worth thinking about such requests twice. If you live next to someone who insists that you change your character and behavior beyond your comfort zone, he probably does not love you but the fantasy of who he wanted you to be, and there is no reason for you to agree.
- Perform household chores on your own
In the present era the chores of the household and the responsibilities of raising the children are divided equally between men and women. This beautiful sentence brings a crooked smile to many people, because we all know it is still far from an absolute reality. Despite the desire for gender equality, the current situation is that these areas still often fall on the responsibility of women. We understand that everyone has different constraints and work hours, but when the burden falls mostly on one person, the relationship absorbs the frustration of doing so and becomes less satisfying and happy. Do not feel obligated to do most of the housework because your spouse earns more from you, because he is not used to doing them or because it is “your job”. If your spouse understands that evading the burden of housework and raising children is a short-term gain but a long and lasting damage to the satisfaction of the relationship, they will internalize that they must change the division of tasks voluntarily.
- Absorb contempt Some of us live with a spouse who likes to joke and can even be a little tactless from time to time. As long as it puts a smile on your face most of the time, your condition is fine. What is not right and stands in contrast to amusing lightness and laughter, is sarcastic remarks and ridicule that only appear in the guise of humor and stem from the need of your spouse to lower your confidence. If there is someone who cares about teasing you regularly and also in front of other people, chances are he is threatening you and feeling inferior. This is not an acceptable excuse for such behavior or a reason why you should absorb it.
- Stay away from relatives and friends
When we start a new relationship and get filled with excitement, we tend to neglect our friends and relatives around us a bit. There are those who continue this misbehavior even years into the relationship and stay away from family and friends to devote their whole being to a relationship. Not only does this place a huge and destructive burden on the marital relationship that becomes closed and closed, this custom makes us more fragile people whose identities rely on one major person. If you live with a spouse who cannot understand that you need more social and family ties, and that there are other people in your life who need you, do not agree to it. Your spouse should not expect you to function for him in additional roles such as mom, dad or a close friend for example. Even if you sometimes think it’s very romantic that someone wants to spend all their free time by your side, the harm that will be done to everyone by such conduct outweighs the benefit of doing so.
- Be dependent on your spouse
People come from different backgrounds and economic abilities and often find themselves developing financial dependence on their spouse, whether out of the thought that they will be more loved if they show weakness or whether it is due to social convention or comfort considerations. Obviously when two people are running a shared home, the thought of financial reliance is common and even necessary at times, and yet our recommendation to you is that you always prefer to maintain your overall and financial independence within a relationship. Do not rush to stop working even if your spouse can and even wants to support both of you, not only because it is necessary for your sense of worth and meaning, but because financial dependence can put irrelevant considerations into the relationship. If you manage on your own, you will know that the reason you live with your spouse depends on material reasons and not on those related to comfort or fear.
- Live in disbelief
Trust is the basis of a relationship, and once it is violated it is difficult to impossible to repair the damage caused by it. Living in a relationship where there is a lack of trust can result from both a particularly suspicious person and a particularly treacherous person, and many times feed each other. The ability to trust another person depends on both people in the relationship, but if your mistrust is the result of repeated spousal lies and failure to take responsibility, you should ask yourself whether living in constant worry and instability is what you want to experience and whether you choose it because you believe so. Usually conducted in a relationship.
- Violate your principles
We all have a set of values and beliefs that we carry with us, and if we need to give you a preliminary tip about this issue, it will be worthwhile for you to choose a partner who is as close as possible to your worldview. But even if you do, people are not twins of thought, and it’s good that they are, and you are likely to believe in things different from what your spouse believes in. This of course can sometimes provoke arguments, perplexities and even rhetorical attempts to persuade your life partner, but there is a point where he or she will have to back down and respect your freedom of thought, even if they completely disagree with it. If you live with someone who asks you to vote for a party that is a fan or to eat something you do not want to put into your body according to your worldview, do not try to respond and please him just to maintain the relationship and feel loved. Agreed to disagree and allowed everyone to hold their own opinions.
- Abandon your passions
A relationship is not a substitute for all desires and dreams and can not be satisfied as a single significant experience in a person’s life. If your partner asks or hints at you to give up the things that attract and excite you in life, other than him, and even if you “volunteer” to do it yourself, this is not the way to feel loved. Our fear of self-fulfillment and the effort and harm that may come with it, is a wonderful excuse for many people who are in relationships, to abandon their passions and “blame” it on the relationship or spouse. It is possible that your partner is indeed trying to narrow your steps and prevent you from engaging in things that make you feel full of life and satisfied, and the important question is why do you allow this and is it related to your fear of yourself?
- Give up on your dreams
Battles and concessions are part of a relationship, but when it comes to dreams that are important to you and that you have been fantasizing about for years, a relationship cannot be the tool that shatters them. Do not live with a spouse who asks you to choose between an important dream and the relationship, especially if the reason they do not want you to do it is due to fear of losing you. If the concessions you make in a relationship cause you more sense of harm and frustration than benefit, the result will be a damaged relationship full of objections. Just remember that when you go out to pursue your dreams, you will have to give the same paragon, support and release to the other party’s dreams as well.