8 Tips And Facts That Will Help You Achieve A Long And Successful Relationship
If every couple has moments of crisis, difficulties and struggles in their relationship why do some couples persevere and others separate? The solution to this intriguing and complicated question is not in the amount of love you feel for each other, but in the other abilities and habits you have developed during the relationship. Couples who know how to maintain their independence, recognize the positive things between them, give each other space for each other’s egos and understand that the connection that brought them in advance to each other’s arms is not so common and negligible – manage to persevere and be happier. The following secrets to a successful relationship that no one tells you about begin with the understanding that the partner should not be either a father or a mother, and that you must be supportive friends during the day and romantic and passionate partners at night.
- Your spouse cannot meet all of your emotional needs
A relationship has a tendency to make people get absorbed in it, especially when it starts with a big infatuation that makes us forget our friends and relatives and focus on only one person – that is, the new spouse. Although this drift is an essential part of the feeling of falling in love and causes supreme pleasure, in the long run it is not beneficial to the relationship. As we give all our attention and time to our partner and do not maintain close contact with other people, we develop a dependency towards him and expect him to meet all our emotional needs, until the hope is developed that he will make us happy at all times. We must remember that it is our job to find the happiness that comes from within us beyond the romantic relationship, and our partner needs to get the right place for him or her and not the roles of the other people in our lives, even if they do not do it well in our opinion. As much as it is comforting to know that there is a person in the world who takes care of all your needs, the places reserved for a relationship and the way you look at your spouse – will be destroyed as soon as you become a good friend, and wife to mother.
- Give space to the other’s ego
Each of us has a desire to feel important and meaningful at a given moment, and the perception that only men have an ego that needs constant encouragement is wrong and misleading. We all want to be respected in sensitive places, and we all think we are strong in certain areas or at least strive for it. As soon as we tell our partner something that robs him of the sense of power, we shoot ourselves in the foot, impairing his confidence and ability to lead. In order for this not to happen, we must develop sensitivity, bite our lips and not comment harshly even in moments when it seems to us that the partner’s decision is stupid and even when it seems to us that it is just “a joke”. The best way to identify moments when you are trampling on your partner’s ego is through the question you ask yourself: “How would I feel if he / she told me the same thing?”.
- Do not sacrifice yourself in a way that will make you frustrated
Most of us have been educated on the distorted fantasy that true and tumultuous love as in movies involves total sacrifice and accordingly we have built our marital system. Our desire to unite with another person and become one body that thinks and does the exact same thing can lead us to sacrifice and dedicate ourselves far beyond what is good for us and to bond. Some people also think that if they sacrifice everything on their own, they will have the right to ask the same thing from their partner – and so in fact the “blood balance” of two people begins to give up too many things and become more and more frustrated. Do not try to gain confidence in the love of the other party through endless tests of devotion and do not give of yourself at a level that will make you a person whose identity has been undermined.
- Do not let intimacy destroy passion
Responsibility, closeness and love are things that in many cases conflict with passion. The intimacy that allows you to open up to all your weaknesses and establish a relationship of trust, friendship and commitment can hinder you from giving free rein to your sexual passions in front of your partner. This is why some men who see their wife giving birth later report difficulty returning the passionate desire towards her – because her sexuality has taken on a different meaning for them. When we want to realize our sexual desires and fantasies we strive to be uninhibited, wild and shameless, but in a long relationship of friendship and closeness we will sometimes find it difficult for us to combine the worlds and be both supportive husband and conquering and passionate man, for example.
- Give up the fantasy of the “perfect marriage”
Already on your wedding day you have been swept into a world of fantasy about the bride in white, photos at sunset, flower paths to the canopy and songs about the eternity of love. In the reality of the bride sweating, the photographer directed a romance for you and whoever sang these songs probably managed to replace the object of love he wrote about. It does not mean that we should develop cynicism towards our relationship god forbid, but to know that there are no perfect things, and if they look like that, it just means that someone has packed and photographed them well. Your legend takes place in the small and magical moments of your intimacy, in a kind word of affection spoken spontaneously, or in a smile that passes between you when you are surrounded by people. The search for the “perfect marriage” is futile, and if there is a couple around you who seems like you, you can be sure he is not. There is no marriage without quarrels, hard times and struggles, and the real magic happens when you overcome them.
- Do not make children the only object of love in the family
When you were a young couple without children and were asked about your marital status, it is likely that you spoke at length and with pleasure about your spouse and your love for him. Over the years, the erosion and appearance of the children we tend to push the joy from the spouse and give most of our affection and praise to the children. Of course the type of emotion you have towards them, as opposed to that given to the spouse are different but nonetheless the children may not be the only object of love in the family. When these grow up and leave home to build their own life and family, you will be left with your life partner, a person who is not your blood relationship but a choice you made out of love. Therefore, it is even more important to continue to cultivate the love and alliance between you even in the years when children are small and attract most of the attention.
- Maintain a 5: 1 ratio between the negative and positive things
The weight we give to the bad and disappointing things in life in most cases goes beyond the gratitude we feel towards the good things. In many cases our brain is so programmed to focus on the negative, that we do not notice at all the immense abundance and goodness that is at our disposal. It turns out that these differences affect our relationship no less and even scientifically. According to a study done on the subject of a happy relationship, researchers have found that couples who make sure to celebrate the good times and happy events together have higher levels of trust, intimacy, good communication and satisfaction from the relationship. That is, it is not enough that your spouse knows that you are happy with his or her promotion at work, you should also mention and see it, and really take an interest in any positive “pips”. The study also quantitatively examined the number of positive things that compensate for the negative things and reached a 5: 1 ratio in favor of the positive of course. So whenever you throw a word of criticism or teasing at your partner, know that you should atone for it with 5 good compliments, if you want your relationship to date happily ever after.
- If you got married it is a sign that there is a strong enough bond between you to persevere together and not divorce
Divorce is often the only refuge from a bad and unhappy relationship and there is no reason to stay in a relationship at any cost or out of fear. But beyond this understanding, there are many couples who are going through a difficult period, rather than whole years of hopeless difficulty, and decide to give up the relationship and get a divorce. If we focus for a moment on the understanding that not every day we meet a person we like and captivate our hearts, we may understand that the very fact that our partner once made us feel this way, means that we have a non-negligible basis at all for a relationship between us. A strong connection between two people does not occur by chance – our attraction occurs even at the stage of sniffing the partner – an action that transmits to our brain the degree of genetic match between us. If you are experiencing moments of crisis and a period of quarrels and distances and are considering parting, remember that the match between you is not superficial and common at all and definitely worth fighting for. The time that heals many wounds, may be the secret to overcoming a crisis, so just stay committed.