Cold Feet Before Wedding
Cold feet before wedding – Brides and grooms who cancel their wedding shortly before the canopy, or even during the wedding ceremony itself, are the nightmare of any man or woman who is looking forward to their wedding day. Do pre-marital dilemmas predict the future of marriage, and if there are doubts, why wait for the last minute?
Rebecca and David, young people in their mid-twenties, decided to get married after five years of a relationship. On the morning of the wedding, Rebecca called David and told him she wanted to cancel the wedding. David could not believe his ears. He traveled with his parents to meet her at her mother’s house.
When they arrived at the house, the door was locked and the mother and daughter refused to open it. The phone calls with them did not help either.
At seven o’clock in the evening the wedding cancellation notice was officially issued, which was to begin at eight-thirty. Most of the guests received the message when they were on their way to the wedding. The groom’s parents lost over one hundred thousand dollars which they had paid in advance for the hall and the vendors.
Conclusion: Several years after the cancellation of the wedding, the groom has been very successful in business in the US and abroad, and he is now in a loving and loving relationship, and welcomes the day the wedding was canceled.
Escape on the wedding day is very common and comes in various forms. For example, a cancellation notice on the wedding day as Rebecca did, non-attendance at the wedding and escape from the wedding ceremony. For example, one groom said during the ceremony that he needed to use the toilet, and actually went to the parking lot and ran away. Another groom who was asked by the pastor at the wedding ceremony if this was the woman he was asking to marry, looked at his bride and replied, “No.”
The phenomenon of the bride and groom fleeing is based on doubts and uncertainty about the future of the marriage. Do these doubts reflect objective difficulties that should not be ignored, or do they express a subjective feeling that may change over time?
Psychologist Justin Levner conducted a study among 232 newly married couples, and asked the women and men about the degree of certainty and doubts they had about the success of the marriage. In two-thirds of the cases, there were doubts, at least for one of the spouses. In a study conducted by Wenner after four years, it turned out that among the women and men who had doubts, the quality of marriage was lower.
But only in those women did the doubts also predict a higher divorce rate. It turns out that women who had doubts before marriage divorced twice as much as women without doubts. Doubts among men, however, did not predict divorce.
The desire to get lost and the fear of temporary happiness
“We are more often afraid than hurt, and we suffer more from the imagination than from reality.” –Seneca
Doubts are not the only reason for getting “cold feet” before the wedding. Other reasons include: general insecurity, unwillingness to make a decision, feeling that love is not deep enough, emotional immaturity and disillusionment following a quarrel. Two other main reasons for wanting to cancel the wedding are the desire to get lost and the fear of happiness.
In Ronit Matalon’s beautiful book, “And the Bride Closed the Door,” the bride locks herself in the room and refuses to go out to the wedding.
In an interview on the occasion of the book’s release, Matalon explained that “the bride did not want the kind of protection that the relationship gives, and that she is claiming for herself the privilege of getting lost.” Matalon seemed to understand what she was talking about. More and more women today are seeking the freedom to escape and “get lost,” not because they do not love their partner, but because the freedom to be themselves is important to them.
The fear of happiness is not a fear of the action that makes you happy, but of the consequences of that action. Women (and even men) are afraid of the happiness of wonderful romantic love because they fear the moment when love will fade away as is the way of many loves. They prefer the average romantic joy, rather than the emotional roller coaster that lifts them to exciting heights and then drops them to the bottom of the nerve.
Their position is “neither your honey nor your sting.” They are afraid of the light, not because the light does them no good in the soul, but because the way of the world is that after the light comes the darkness, and the darkness is unbearable. Such concerns may be self-fulfilling prophecy.
Compromises despite doubts
“What I wanted I did not get. And what I got I did not want.” Hanoch Levin, “The Craft of Life”
We see that doubts and concerns are good predictors of future quality of marriage. Despite this, many people ignore them and get married,instead of having cold feet before wedding, while romantically compromising. In romantic compromises we give up a romantic value like intensity or intense passion, in exchange for a non-romantic value, like a more comfortable life.
When women who had heavy doubts were asked why they got married anyway, some of them replied that they hoped the groom would change after the wedding. Others hoped the groom would be a good father. There were also women who justified the non-cancellation of the wedding by saying that “the invitations had already been sent”, and they did not want to embarrass the spouse and their family.
This common reason for cold feet before wedding is particularly problematic in light of the fact that the emotion of embarrassment, which is fundamentally short and superficial, dictates sustained significant behavior.
Only now you’ve decided?
“Marriage is like a cage. The birds outside are dying to get inside, and those inside are just as desperate to get out.” Michel de Montagne
Even if the doubts about the success of the marriage are justified, why wait for the last minute and not refuse the marriage proposal at the time of submission? A major reason for this, beyond the excitement of the proposal and the desire not to embarrass the spouse, is that accepting the proposal was not seriously considered, ignoring the significant difference between marriage and cohabitation.
As the wedding date approaches, the time pressure and awareness of the importance of the decision grows stronger, and the desire to change it increases. Further to the statement of the French thinker Montagne, it can be argued that as the birds outside approach the cage, they see more clearly its problematic nature, and then the intuitive decision not to enter the cage becomes more natural.
A woman named Rachel canceled her engagement about a month before the wedding. Rachel told me that she had been living with her boyfriend for three years, and that one day he told her, by the way, that they might want to get married, because there is no big difference between living together and getting married.
Rachel replied in the affirmative, though she admitted she did not like him so much. “I thought he was just nice and that he deserved us to try to upgrade the relationship between us. Besides,” she added, “my mother also liked him very much.”
As the wedding approached, Rachel realized that the relatively low level of her love would not be able to bear the weight of the commitment and depth of the relationship in the marriage and got cold feet before wedding. Today Rachel realizes that she was inadvertently swept into the engagements, without delving into the question of how much her partner really suits her.
In the process of drifting there are sometimes early signs that the couple can notice, but the final decision is usually made suddenly.
Finally, an escape is not necessarily a bad thing. When there is no better alternative, escape can be a worthy temporary choice. The fleeing bride does not deserve the “Woman of the Year” award because on further thought she could have prevented sadness from many people.
At the same time, in many cases the bride has made the right move, which at the end of the day will also help the abandoned groom.