7 Tips for Dealing with Breakup
Dealing with breakup; On the face of it, the answer to the question of why a breakup is such a shaky and painful event in our lives is clear: a breakup expresses the end of a close and important relationship in our lives, leaves us alone and often leaves feelings of missing out, frustration and pain.
Although we feel we are grieving and hurting the end of the relationship with the specific spouse, in practice we grieve and experience anxiety about many other aspects: We are filled with anxiety and uncertainty about the lifestyle change that grows as the relationship deepens and is in a more advanced stage.
Or that the relationship has failed, and more than once we experience a shake-up of our self-image around the change of marital status. In addition, separations in adulthood (or during adolescence) are often used as a “flashback” to separations we experienced at a younger age – whether it is parting from a deceased parent, parting from the familiar family cell around parental divorce or parting from the close relationship with the mother around the birth of a younger brother.
The reverberation of parting in adulthood to early partings makes dealing with breakup a difficult task.
So how, after all, does dealing with breakup become bearable?
Give yourself time to grieve: Many people experience dependence and attachment to other people, including spouses, as an expression of weakness and accordingly – expect themselves to feel good and function optimally even immediately after a significant breakup, and even experience frustration and anger around feelings of sadness, pain and insult.
This attack on ourselves usually leads to increased difficulty in coping with the breakup and “slipping” of negative emotions into situations and personal relationships: the more we repress and silence the pain of being left behind, the more likely we are to experience overwhelming and difficult insult when a friend or secretary forgets to bring us coffee. That we asked for.
Identify your dominant emotion: Is the main thing you feel is anger at the ex? Feeling inferior and worthless? Guilty of how you conducted yourself in the relationship or of the factors that led to its termination?
Anxiety about not being able to make more contact in the future? Identifying the dominant emotion is often the way to relief, as it allows us to isolate the source of the pain and focus on it and the ways to deal with it.
When the pain is overwhelming and dull, we experience a severe and overwhelming sense of helplessness.
Expect hypersensitivity: A breakup is often an experience that shakes us more deeply than it seems to us, as it resonates and connects us to previous breakups and disappointments, in our early relationships.
Therefore, be prepared for the fact that the period after separation is often a more sensitive period in which you are more vulnerable and therefore also more likely to react in disproportionate ways to behaviors that previously would not have brought you such a sharp reaction.
Invest in yourself: True – the partner has left and at the moment it seems to you that there is no reason to go to the gym, and any idea for recreation seems pointless and heavenly without him. Still, this is exactly the time to invest in yourself.
Allow yourself to rest, take care of yourself, try to relieve yourself and do not be ashamed to pamper and invest in yourself – this is exactly the time when you need this self-investment most of all.
Identify irrational thoughts: Do sentences like “I will never find someone like him”, “There is no one else to love me, with all my nonsense and problems”, “Obviously he left, I’m not at his level” and so on sound familiar to you? If so, it’s time to spot irrational thought patterns.
In times of stress and crisis many of us tend to distort thinking including dichotomous thinking, catastrophic thinking and a tendency to be pessimistic. Usually, these thought patterns not only do not promote us, but also increase anxiety, produce feelings of worthlessness and guilt and in general – aggravate the distress we experience anyway.
Therefore, it is important to identify such thinking biases, and try to remind ourselves that they are biased and exaggerated when we perceive them.
It’s not good to be alone: The only thing you may want to do right now is dig under the blanket, but being with other people is one of the factors that can help you when dealing with breakup: Many studies indicate that a strong support network and a person’s ability to be supported and helped crisis is one of the most significant factors in coping.
Apart from support, staying together also allows for distraction, restoration of the sense of self-worth and exposure to other perspectives that often alleviate misconceptions and exaggerations that arise in us around the difficult experience of separation.
This is whether treatment is needed: A breakup is a difficult and meaningful experience and most who experience it respond with pain and difficulty, but it is important to pay attention to situations where the breakup is complicated.
“Red lights” are symptoms of depression that do not improve over time, significant impairment of functioning, high and persistent level of distress, impaired trust and ability to be close to other people, outbursts of anger, contact with the ex against their will and difficulty forming new relationships even for a long time after the breakup.
In these situations, there is a reasonable basis to believe that the breakup “sits” on early and difficult experiences of breakup or abandonment. Accordingly, dealing with breakup in these situations will usually require professional assistance.
As part of psychiatric treatment it is possible to treat the symptoms of anxiety, emotional eating or depression that appeared in response to the breakup, process the source of the acute response to the breakup and help restore the damaged self-image or self-worth. Couples therapy can also be used in the separation process itself.