Should I Fight For My Marriage Or Give Up?
Should I fight for my marriage or give up is a question we get pretty frequently, let’s discuss further in this article; Take a break to observe, do not involve the children and look for a lawyer that you connect with: We asked veteran divorcees to give their tip to couples who are considering divorce.
“In retrospect, I don’t think I should have given up so easily,” admits Jonathan, 48, a divorcee and father of two. Although he describes the decade that has passed since the breakup as the best decade of his life, and although he believes his daughters enjoyed and benefited from the two worlds created for them, he believes he got up and left too soon.
“I see divorce as a product of my bad behavior,” he says. “There were financial difficulties and pressures that I created, but I did not find myself and I could not change. With the economic situation I am in today, I am not sure I would have divorced.”
There is no doubt that the decision to divorce is not made by anyone in one day. Deliberation often accompanies people over the years, and it comes at a personal and complex cost. What’s interesting is that many times, even people who initiated the breakup like Jonathan, and must have thought quite a bit before making the move, tell that they may very well have had to think about it a little more deeply, and that it would have been better if they had given more chance to a neglected relationship.
“Try everything before you get divorced because it’s not good out there,” he recommends. “You will travel a lot and eventually reach the point where you are just looking for and wanting warmth and love. And if you have already decided to separate, do not involve the children in matters between you. I believe that what allowed my daughters to quickly adapt to the new situation was my decision to keep our daughters out of our wars. “
Iris, 54, is divorced and a mother of two who works as a psychologist. Her recommendation for couples who are in a difficult marital crisis is to seriously consider a trial period, just before preying on the cards.
“Sometimes you break up because you just want quiet, and stop an existing and unbearable situation, and the period of experiencing the breakup gives distance and quiet to contemplation,” she says, adding: “Until you realize you no longer have the relationship, you do not really know. You are in a whirlwind of quarrels.
And tensions, convinced that parting is the solution, when an initiated distance will allow you to get out of this centrifuge to think and understand what you are missing, and if not too late, then also fix.
Iris’ recommendation is to try as much as possible, but if that doesn’t work and there is no love then say goodbye, and start the next part of life in the belief that it will be good. “I am a very optimistic person and think that although the singles market is not simple at all, it is worthwhile to reach it from an optimistic place and open your heart.
We have one card for this life, and a good love and a new relationship are something that is possible and important to achieve.”
Do not stay for the kids
Children are a very significant consideration in the many decisions we make, certainly when it comes to whether to stay or break up. Our basic nature is to take care and make sure they are well, and do everything we can to protect them from pain and suffering. Therefore, the thought that we are the ones who will actively cause them harm is unbearable.
We do not want to cause them long-term damage, serve as a bad model for them, crack their world or stay away from them, but along the way we sometimes ignore the fact that the exact same things can be caused if we remain in force in a problematic relationship.
“To this day, I feel responsible for dismantling their family unit for my children. It is constantly flooding,” said Neta, 41, who broke up with her partner three years ago. “At the same time, I really do not think that staying in a place where you feel unwell and that you are stuck in it is better. When children grow up in a home that is unhealthy, and see unhappy parents not fulfilling themselves, it is a negative message that leaves a very strong impact on children.
Not good, not good for you and not good for your family. “
As someone who engages in a healthy lifestyle, she adds: “If you stay and suffer, it affects your health and nothing good can come of it. How many people can be at a point that is not good for them without it exploding at some point? Years of suffering have consequences for them as well. It needs to be addressed. “
Shahaf Lifshitz, 46, a shaman and therapist in Chinese medicine who divorced herself, shares the hard feeling she had about the impact of the divorce on her children: “The big difficulty was breaking up with my daughters for half a week. They were very young and my heart was torn every time. It softened, I found ways to see my daughters even in the days when they were with their father, and at first we would travel and celebrate holidays together. “
Despite the hard feelings, Shahaf believes the decision to break up can be positive in some cases: “Taking a step like breaking up with a partner when you are not good, allows children to learn very important things like not giving up, self-worth, personal fulfillment and optimism.”
For people who are in a relationship and considering breaking up, she recommends: “If you do not see hope in a relationship, there is nothing to hold on to. I personally have developed greatly following the breakup, experienced new things and learned to love myself. I have not yet found my great love, but I know I am ready or a healthy and good relationship. “
If you are already getting a divorce, then end it well
One of the things that scares us the most, and that most affects how we will go through the breakup, and how it will affect us and our children in the long run, is how we manage it.
Do we manage not to be dragged into wars even though they are actually trying to drag us into them? Are we able to see the needs of the other as well, even though he is hurting us? Are we able to keep the children completely out of the state of affairs between us? All of these things make the essential difference between a good and a devastating parting.
“I think one of the hardest problems is when there is money and you run into a fight in the courts,” says David, 49, an attorney, remarried and a father of three. “From my experience and that of my environment, in the end whether you fight hard or close everything In joint mediation right at the beginning, at the end more or less the same result is reached.
Whoever is wise will save himself this unnecessary round, which will only enrich the lawyers and hurt everyone. Instead, it is better to take a deep breath and constantly concentrate on the well-being of the children.
“For those who are undecided, he recommends:” Say goodbye only if things really do not change. You have to consider things well and know that you did everything to make the relationship work. “
Pazit Crescenti-Daniel (49), divorced and a mother of seven, is a professional makeup artist and couple coach who tells of a quick and respectful farewell procedure she had with her ex-husband. “The most important thing is to try to divorce with dignity.
The key is to always try and see the good of the divorcee.” In her opinion, it is worth looking at the whole complex and being honest with each other: “The idea is to check together that both parties will not have to be bankrupt or bankrupt following the separation.
In the end, we shared with this person a house, bed and dreams, and the fact that we can not remain married “It does not mean that the person should be seen falling or suffering. What is important is to respect him as a parent, and to do everything so that after we overcome we can maintain a normal relationship.”
For couples trying to improve and mend the relationship, she recommends making sure that their partner is really involved in the process: “If your partner does not bring himself to change things, then there is no point. He only widens the gap, and there is a chance that the decision to separate will be made only by him. “
Pazit advises people to be patient and tolerant of the processes their spouses have to go through, and at the same time, make sure that there is some basic readiness and progress. “Obviously processes take time, but it is important to make sure there is a wire end to the approach. If there are fixations or fortifications in positions, there will likely be no flexibility and openness here, and there will probably be no shift either,” she adds.
Good things come out of it
As in any crisis, in parting lies the opportunity for the development and creation of a better new one. People describe how difficulties they experienced within the relationship led them to make an internal, necessary and meaningful mental account, and a new, and sometimes even initial,
acquaintance with themselves and the children. They tell of the search for a new love, which is not always easy to find, but when it does arrive it has a lot of maturity and depth and a willingness to compromise and work together on the relationship. Of all the conversations I had, I was especially moved by the messages that sought to convey precisely those who did not choose a farewell, and from the distance of time are happy and thankful for it.
“It was my brother who saved me and pulled me out of the destructive relationship I was in,” says Avital, 44, a divorcee and mother of two who realized in retrospect that she had been emotionally abused by her ex-husband. “I had no choice but to go, and it took me a long time to figure out what was going on because I come from a home that has always had a good relationship and a lot of love and respect.
I went through a long and ugly divorce process, and it is still especially difficult for me during the holidays. The greatest I received from family and friends. “
She says that the treatment process she went through along the way strengthened her, and helped her rediscover herself: “I came out of the process a different Avital. I had a twinkle in my eye, the joy of life and confidence in myself and my choices.”
For those who have decided to break up, she recommends choosing a good lawyer: “Take someone who reflects your agenda and values, one who you will feel connected to on an emotional level as well, and think carefully about what the bottom lines are that you would like to achieve in the legal process.”
“I come from a home where separation was not an option at all,” says Chris, 38, a divorcee and father of three. “That’s why I allowed myself to suffer for very many years within the relationship, and in retrospect I can say that divorce is one of the good things that happened to me.”
He says that despite the months he felt like a broken vessel and had difficulty functioning, his past personal growth allowed him to live a life full of enjoyment, and even find the greatest love he ever had.
“The fear of what’s going to happen has paralyzed me – how will I manage without seeing the children every day? How will I manage? But in retrospect I can say that it is much less bad than I thought.
Over the years I neglected myself, I was not good, I just cared to please everyone and did not know Who am I anyway and what am I worth. I was constantly under complaints and quarrels, standing outside the door and not wanting to go in.
Pretty soon I started to grab myself by the hands, changed jobs for a much better job, I spend a lot with the kids, and even waited for the weekends .
You could say that after the divorce I discovered happiness that I did not know existed. Feeling loved, desired and desired adds a life force, that when you do not have it you do not always understand how essential it is. “