Should I tell him with how many guys I slept with before we met? Pros and cons!
Should I tell him with how many guys I slept with before we met;
“I never talk about my sexual past unless men ask, and then I ask, ‘Are you sure you want my past to be your present?'”. Julia
“Anyone who is too intrigued and observes the work of bees will often be stung because of his curiosity.” Alexander Pop
“Ignorance is a blessing.” Thomas Gray
Curiosity, which is based on the desire to acquire additional knowledge, is an essential feature of human life. There is a long philosophical tradition that sees knowing as a key to moral behavior and a good life.
There is also an opposite cultural tradition that sees knowing as an obstacle to happiness: Adam and Eve were expelled from heaven because they ate from the tree of knowledge.
A similar debate concerns the role of knowledge in romantic love. Thus, one love song claims, “The better I know you, the more I love you,” while the opposite view emphasizes the benefits of lacking knowledge and mystery in romantic love and sexual desire.
Ingrid Bergman, for example, pointed to the problems of knowing the past, when she said: “Happiness is good health and a bad memory.”
Curiosity about the sexuality of the present partner is relevant to the present relationship, whereas curiosity about the past is more superficial and not necessarily relevant to the present, being mainly due to a desire to preserve a certain image, whether it is of myself or my partner.
In this article I will focus on curiosity about the sexual past of the partner, which is given a lot of weight in modern society where people have more exes and access to them is very easy.
Are you telling your current partner about your exes?
Here are some random answers from women who were asked if they should tell their current partner about their exes:
“From personal experience, it just puts men into movies of jealousy and comparison and does not give them rest, so it’s a really bad idea. Of course it all depends on the person himself and his degree of self-esteem.” L.
“Do not tell anything. Zero. To start a relationship should come with a smooth page. My past relationships should not affect my current relationship.” E.
“I try to maintain privacy and not reveal a lot of information. I tell that I had a relationship, and the name. I do not tell what was and why it ended, maybe here and there I share positive things about the current relationship compared to the past. “Except in cases where the comparison would be in my favor.” O.
“I had a rich sexual past. I slept with almost 100 men and it’s nobody’s business. It’s just my shameful past. I paid for it in different ways and chose not to punish myself anymore when I tell my friend about it. The question of numbers always comes up and I always say , ’30’ “. J.
“After 20 years of marriage I told my husband about my ex-lover. My husband got very upset and the atmosphere in the relationship became extremely murky.” M.
What should not be talked about?
“My ex had an obscene habit of telling me about all the men she slept with, like their penis size and other details that really pissed me off.”
It is clear that it is not worth telling everything and certainly not to do so at the beginning of the relationship. Tracy Cox, the Daily Mail’s sexual therapist, points out eight things not to be said about your ex in any case:
- How good the ex was in bed.
- How good you were with other lovers.
- Behavior in the past that does not express who you are today.
- Giving exact numbers.
- Mention positively the same ex more than once.
- Boasting designed to arouse the envy of the current spouse.
- Any reference to size.
- Sentences like: “I’ve never had a problem getting to orgasm before.”
These prohibitions are based on the need not to compare the current spouse to the exes, because the comparison is often toxic to the relationship.
Other examples of forbidden things to tell about the ex are the wonderful vacation you had in Italy, weird things the ex likes to do in bed, how you met, good qualities of the ex, how your girlfriends liked him, how he is similar and different from his current partner, the gifts he bought you, how he broke your heart, or reveal that you still have feelings for him. I
f you want to provide information about the romantic past, it is better that the answer is vague and ambiguous.
The importance of self-exposure
“I asked and also told. Men are more reluctant to ask because it is harder for them to know that their partner has slept with many men. In our society there is a more negative attitude towards women with a rich sexual past than men with such a past.” L.
“Most men don’t like to hear about their partner’s sexual exploits with other men, especially when these stories diminish them. Men don’t like to be small, and they also go on the defensive – if she talks like that about her exes, I wonder what she says about me.” J.
Despite the problematic nature of exposing intimate details from the past, self-disclosure is considered by many professionals to be essential in a close relationship because it reinforces intimacy. The types of benefits attributed to exposing the past include: self-awareness and the ability to better know your current partner, build trust and honest communication, avoid repeating past mistakes and more.
Despite these benefits, there are many studies that suggest that positive biases and illusions are valuable for cultivating quality romantic relationships.
Maintaining a sense of security often requires weaving a complex story, which has imaginary elements that reinforce the virtues of the spouse and reduce the weight of his or her weaknesses, while the lack of sharing does not have to be concealment, but a proper protection of privacy.
There are also gender differences. In general, women are more vulnerable than men in intimate relationships, and there is even a social stigma about women having sex with many men that does not exist, at least not to such an extent for men.
Although gender differences are narrowing in our time, detailed self-disclosure about your sexual past can cause greater and more lasting harm to your partner.
So to tell or not to tell?
“My second husband asked me if my first husband’s penis was bigger than his own. Because I did not want to lie, I told him, ‘Yes, significantly.'” R.
“In my experience, most men are egocentric. They like to hear more than to hear. From the first introductory conversation men like to praise themselves and their sexual past, and expand the talk about their exes, and it makes me want to tell about myself. In a long relationship things are already going well. natural”. H.
There is no golden rule as to what and when you will tell your current partner about your exes. It all depends on the nature of the relationship and its development. In general, not telling anything is problematic and telling all the details is often even worse. There seems to be very little to tell at first, and one of the bonuses of relationship development is gradual self-disclosure.
Exposing the sexual past enhances the comparative aspect that is highly toxic to love relationships. Thus, Rebecca’s second husband, who asked about the size of the first husband’s penis, thought for many years that the first husband was also better in bed – which was not true at all.
This is an example of sincerity that destroys a relationship more than a lack of sincerity. Exposing the past indicates not only past mistakes but sometimes also loves that will never return, and this can make existing relationships difficult.
The question of timing of exposure is also crucial. Telling at the first meeting about your exes may evoke a feeling of rejection towards you and cause you to be perceived as a thoughtless egocentric. A better way to get to know each other is not through tedious publicity stories, but through ongoing interactions that reveal the authentic nature of each partner.
Contrary to popular belief that encourages “taking out everything we have in our stomachs”, sometimes escape is a better means of coping, especially when reality is unchangeable.
There is no point in focusing on something we cannot change. This will only cause ongoing reflections that will interfere with the regular routine.
Lack of discussion about the sexual past is a form of escaping or avoiding an emotional minefield. In many cases, such avoidance is the optimal way.
With the development of a relationship one can carefully describe general information that has nothing to compare with the current spouse, but rather draw helpful lessons regarding the promotion of the current relationship. It is possible and beneficial if it is done proportionately and sensitively.