How to love your husband after he cheated
We get a lot of “How to love your husband after he cheated” questions, let’s discuss it;
Dealing with infidelity in a marital relationship
Greek mythology, the Bible and some of the great literary works describe the cruel consequences of the act of betrayal: murder, suicide and punishments from heaven are often described as the inevitable consequences of betrayal, and often the traitor are both condemned to a life of remorse and loneliness. From an early age, infidelity is not uncommon nowadays, and many couples who turn to couple therapy turn to the background of infidelity.
Most professionals will agree that infidelity is one of the most difficult marital crises to treat and deal with. At the same time, infidelity is not seen today as a necessary reason for breaking up the relationship, but as a turning point that allows the couple to re-decide their common future, and even bring about a significant improvement in it.
Do not commit adultery (or at least, do it for the right reason) – why do people cheat on their spouses?
Despite the vast differences that exist in different human cultures, most of them adhere to the structure of a monogamous relationship and infidelity is considered inappropriate: about 85% of people who have never cheated see infidelity as a negative thing, and 40% of women and men who cheated or saw themselves willing to cheat on their partner. Men and women point to the main reason for infidelity as the search for thrills, but psychological approaches offer different and more complex explanations.
Psychodynamic approaches see betrayal as an unconscious attempt to produce a “love triangle” that recreates a family pattern from the traitor’s childhood. An example of this is a cheating man who perceives his wife as warm and loyal and the mistress as a cold and charming career woman. This perception may recreate his relationship with his parents, in which the mother was perceived as a loving and devoted wife and the father as successful but distant from his children. This explanation attributes infidelity to the personality of the unfaithful spouse, but most approaches see infidelity as a representation of difficulty in the relationship. Four main types of cheating can be identified that differ from each other in their unconscious motives:
Avoidance of intimacy: These infidelities characterize spouses who are afraid of creating true dependence and intimacy. The betrayal allows for the avoidance of a threatening level of intimacy and the fear of abandonment that may accompany it. This infidelity characterizes married couples less than six years old whose relationship is accompanied by many quarrels.
Avoidance of conflict: These infidelities characterize marital relationships in which the spouses regularly avoid dealing directly with conflicts, difficulties and emotions that arise in the relationship. In these cases, betrayal is used as a means of communication that allows for the raising to the surface of feelings and tensions that were inaccessible. These infidelities are common among married couples less than 12 years old.
Empty nest infidelity: These infidelities occur among couples married for over 20 years who have been married mainly for the purpose of starting a family. In such infidelities, the husband is usually the one who betrays his wife with another single woman for a long time, and is torn between his loyalty to the two women.
Exit Card Cheats: These cheats occur in relationships where the couple does not dare to admit that the relationship is not satisfying for them. Infidelity allows for an escape from the relationship without acknowledging the feelings of failure and disappointment that result from the breakup of the relationship. This infidelity can occur at any age and regardless of the duration of the marriage.
Other factors that increase the risk of infidelity are marital dissatisfaction, sex addiction (especially men), low self-esteem, neurotic personality style, wife’s pregnancy (increases the risk of infidelity) and suspicion that the spouse has cheated in the past. It has also been found that religious people tend to cheat on their spouses less secularly.
“Just for the sake of a hug” – gender differences in reasons and responses to infidelity
How would you respond to your spouse’s one-time sexual infidelity? And for prolonged betrayal? How would you feel if your partner developed an emotional and deep love relationship, without any sexual contact? The answer to these questions seems to depend largely on your gender: while understanding the act of infidelity in its marital context, one can discern differences between women and men in the reasons and response to infidelity.
In general, men seem to place more emphasis on sexuality and more clearly separate physical and emotional relationships: men may betray for sexual diversity even when the relationship with their partner is good, while women may explain their infidelity with dissatisfaction, search for warmth and romance, etc. . Accordingly, men tend to be more threatened by their partner’s sexual infidelity while women are more afraid of their partner’s emotional connection with another woman.
These differences are also reflected in the different ways in which men and women deal with their spouse’s infidelity. Men tend to express interest in the sexual aspects of infidelity (who is better in bed? What is the size of his penis?) While women are preoccupied with the effect of infidelity on marital intimacy and the continuation of the relationship: they check the quality of the relationship (do you feel more than me?) The couple (what does she know about me? Did you reveal intimate details to her?).
Accordingly, men tend to respond to their partner’s infidelity with anger and even departure, in an attempt to maintain their self-esteem. Women, on the other hand, usually respond with feelings of depression, self-blame and trying to rebuild the relationship.
Consequences of betrayal and dealing with it
Western society does not allow the punishment of a spouse who has cheated, but infidelity is considered one of the most significant and shaky crises that can happen in a relationship. When betrayal is discovered, accidentally or intentionally, a significant crisis arises that undermines the basic sense of trust and evokes intense feelings of jealousy, humiliation and anxiety. The discovery of infidelity often leads to divorce, but sometimes it can also motivate a renewed rapprochement between the couple.
When these are ready for an in-depth investigation of the marital interaction, problematic marital patterns may undergo significant change following the discovery of infidelity. Many choose to do so as part of couple counseling, which allows for an in-depth examination of the relationship in a safe and protected space accompanied by professional guidance.
The therapist will be able to help the couple understand the causes of infidelity (call for attention, a sense of sexual rejection by the partner, etc.) and identify problematic patterns that accompany the marital relationship (for example, avoiding conflicts). Also, attention is paid to the couple’s expectations From the continuation of the relationship between them.