Husband doesn’t get along with my family – 5 tips!
- Change your expectations of everyone
You must first accept the fact that no matter what you do, this situation will probably not end with the sentence “and they lived happily ever after …”. Not everything in life is perfect, and so are the people who make up the world in which we live. While this may sound obvious and understandable now, it could very well be that you expect your parents or spouses to be perfect in their mutual conduct, which is unrealistic. At the same time remember that while it is difficult for you to deal with a situation where the people you love do not like each other, it is more common than you think.
There are many reasons why different people do not get along with each other. Sometimes parents may be jealous of their children and feel that their spouse has replaced them, and sometimes the spouse may just want to spend more quality time with you without any outsider, including your parents. Sometimes there is no connection to these reasons, and it is simply two people from two different worlds who do not get along and do not like each other – if not you, they had no common denominator and in any other situation they would never get to where they should have been in each other’s company . Although many people tend to believe that spouses also marry each other’s family, this is not true – your spouse has chosen you, and they do not have to be in touch with your original family if they do not want to.
- Do not be passive
Although the first tip seems to suggest “accepting the situation”, it really is not. You should talk openly about your spouse with your parents and vice versa, and try to get both parties to understand the other party’s behavior based on your acquaintance with him or her. However, even though you would expect them to behave best when meeting them, this will not always be the case. Remember that people from different backgrounds come with different worldviews, but as long as you talk about it openly you may be able to get your spouse or parents to accept each other, or at the very least, not be surprised when they behave a certain way.
You should especially encourage the parties to respect each other and make an effort to accept the other party, even if they do not understand it or agree with it. Bottom line, do not wait for the situation to resolve itself, as this will not happen. Remember that your spouse and parents do not have to love each other, especially if there is already a precipitation from the past that can not be forgotten, but they should make an effort to get along with each other when they are present in the same place together – as long as they strive for family harmony.
- Do not engage in quarrels between spouses and parents
You will probably need to have conversations about this being your spouse and your parents – you need to explain and make it clear that you are not willing to take part in quarrels that arise between them and that you will not be expected to choose a side. The more you can stand this rule on your own, the more peace you will have and the much less sorrow you will experience, because you can not really choose wholeheartedly between two people you love. Of course there is an exception here – if your parents are emotionally abusing your spouse, your loyalty should be with your spouse, and you should help them gain the respect they deserve.
In addition, if one of the parties thinks you are supposed to act as a mediator, he is actually abusing you without him realizing it, and in the long run it will hurt the communication that can be between all involved – do not agree and encourage the couple and parents to talk openly with each other. If it is difficult for you to do this and you find yourself inclined to one side or the other, and this hurts you, it is highly recommended that you seek the advice of a family professional or psychologist.
- Set boundaries for behaviors that are not acceptable to you
At the very least, your spouse or parents should behave in a respectful and civilized manner, even just to make sure you are happy and peaceful. After all, if they love you, they have to make a certain effort to make sure you are happy, and that means controlling themselves during conflicts that arise so that you are not anxious and stressed.
Boundaries can be for example on topics of conversation so that they do not include certain areas that can be opportunities for expressing anger or hostility, so that family reunions are calm and where everyone reaches a state of “ceasefire” – this is important not only for you but also other family members who probably do not Want to be present in “embarrassing” moments of quarrels.
In addition, set boundaries regarding your children – they should not be involved in any quarrel, friction or anger on either side. If children, for example, love grandparents, do not allow their spouse to say bad things about them that are meant to make them see “who they really are.” The same is true of grandparents’ comments about your spouse – children should not think bad things about their parents just because grandparents know they are not being raised properly.
- Spend quality time with your spouse and parents separately
Even if you were raised to believe that the whole family should always be together, know that this does not have to be the case – your spouse did not marry your family, but you. Obviously, quality time alone with your spouse is something that is required in a relationship, but make sure you also have such time with your parents. The lack of affection between the two parties should not be an obstacle in your relationship with either of them, and although it can sometimes be difficult to maintain a good relationship with both of them separately, especially if you do not agree with either of them, it is important that you make an effort.
Nevertheless, there are some warning signs that you should pay attention to. For example, if one of the parties wants to isolate you from the other party and cause you to sever the relationship with him, this is not a normal situation that you have to agree to. This brings us back to the previous section – you need to set boundaries for each side and let them know that you do not have to suffer as a result of the quarrel between them. If they are unable to reach an agreement with each other, this is a problem that they must resolve between them, and you are not related to it and not responsible for it.