My Husband Is Unemployed And Depressed – 5 Tips!
During the Covid 19 crisis we get this question – “My husband is unemployed and depressed, how can I help him?” So that the economic crisis does not spill over into a marital crisis, we have prepared a number of rules of thumb that are very important that you adhere to.
The corona is still with us, and despite the opening up of most of the economy, many couples are still under real economic threat, and are forced to face financial challenges that may very well have been foreign to them until now.
These circumstances, in which one of the spouses does not work for a long time, is faced with changes, uncertainty and substantial and deep questions that deal with his self-image, may arouse in both spouses great feelings and anxieties, and raise frictions and quarrels over financial issues.
The main issues on which many spouses, and which greatly jeopardize the stability of the relationship.
So that the economic crisis does not spill over into a marital crisis, and even serves as an opportunity to improve the relationship and increase closeness, cooperation, reciprocity and friendship, here are some rules that you should very much follow:
Vigilance of both spouses
The aspect of career and employment is very much linked to our self-image, and the way we ultimately perceive ourselves, affects our entire conduct.
When we have a good and secure job, when we feel we are in a good place where we express our abilities, feel that we get value for our efforts and investment, gain recognition and appreciation and calm about our future, then it is also easier for us with other areas of life.
On the other hand, when we feel lost, offended, hurt, inferior, anxious about our future and frustrated by feelings of helplessness, naturally we will also take it with us wherever we go, including our relationship.
Both spouses must, therefore, be aware of this point and touch it with the requisite sensitivity.
If I’m the one who’s been released unfinished, fired or his business has suffered critical damage, I should try and separate the hard feelings I face in the career field, and the way I get those feelings out in the family field.
And if I’m that person’s spouse , It’s important to remind myself that now is exactly the time when I need my reinforcements the most to cheer up and gain strength.
Learn to talk about money
When a significant income factor of the family unit is harmed, the need arises to make marital and family changes, carefully examine expenses and income and re-prioritize them.
Even though we all understand this, discussions about money very quickly get to difficult places, and eventually to the explosion of conversations without any progress.
Many times the reason for this is related to the fact that we forget how deeply financial issues touch us and activate us, and most importantly – how different we are from each other, and are activated and act differently.
If we want to talk about things successfully, we need to learn a little more about our spouse’s personal story with money, changes, fears and uncertainty.
If we want to influence their conduct and make decisions together that will eventually lead to a desired and effective change, should we instead criticize them for being too wasteful or frugal, obsessive, pessimistic, avoidant, repressive and the like, we better ask them how they feel in the new situation created.
For what experience has he taken them? What is the instinctive reaction that comes to them when they think about the subject? Only if we understand the specific sensitivity of our spouse – and where she takes them, and consider the things that arise in the dialogue between us, we can move on and think together about common solutions to the situation.
Avoid canceling the other
The crisis situation in which a family is facing months of unemployment and economic stress may lead to a number of reactions, which may be natural and understandable, but also ones that will harm the relationship and leave a residue in it long after the temporary situation has passed.
Among the most devastating reactions is criticism of the spouse’s financial conduct, and his or her guilt in the situation that has arisen.
It happens because we hurt the current situation, remember the past and can not help but express our anger at our spouse because they did not save, because they took too many risks, because the last big expense they insisted on was completely unnecessary, because they never Understand or have taken responsibility for financial issues or that they refuse or are unable to think ahead and save.
Another common reaction that can pop up and critically damage a relationship, is the cancellation of the other.
Sometimes it is precisely the great love and good intentions that cause us to make two fundamental mistakes – to rush to give advice and solutions, and to try and reassure the other by saying things like “it will be okay”, “it’s not that terrible” and the like.
We are so incapable of dealing with it that it is difficult for our loved ones, that without noticing we do not listen to them and the pains they want to share with us, and actually eliminate them and their difficulties.
In such cases, contrary to the advice you gave, or the positive spirit you tried to inspire, with the feeling that you did not understand or see them again, they will actually stay.
And while these thoughts and reactions are completely understandable, they do not really contribute to improving the situation.
Looking to the past may be important for drawing lessons for the future, and providing help by reassuring and optimistic statements or by proposing solutions that we think will be good for them, may make us good mates in our own eyes, but our partner may very well need something else right now.
The recommendation is that everyone’s focus be on being there for the other, being a listening ear and a supportive shoulder, seeing his or her difficulties and giving them legitimacy.
And of course, as always, first check with your spouse what can help them, and what they are asking of us.
Discover optimism and partnership of destiny
Dismissals and economic damages created by the corona plague are a good reason to unite and overcome together the external threat that suddenly fell on us like this in mid-life.
In order to work together with our spouse and overcome the crisis, we must approach this issue out of friendship and goodwill – and there is nothing like optimism and a sense of destiny to help with this.
Many decisions need to be made to successfully navigate the common financial ship out of the whirlpool, and it is important and advisable to get them together. In many homes one of the spouses takes on the main preoccupation with financial matters, and this has many personal, couple and family prices.
In this sense, it is possible and worthwhile to take advantage of the current crisis to finally create together a book of procedures responsible for the common fund. It is important to make sure that we do not exclude each other from engaging in the subject, do not let our spouse bear the operational and emotional burden alone, do not run away from dealing with issues that are difficult for us to deal with, and do not let the difficult feelings manage us.
In conclusion, marital and family resilience, one that teaches the ability to jointly overcome life’s difficulties, is measured by your ability to adapt to the constraints created, and to move between the roles to which you are accustomed to date. You both need to stretch your waist, sit together, study the overall picture and think about how each of you can increase income, and how you can reduce expenses.
The idea is to look for creative solutions, and show responsibility, effort, flexibility and trust. Dealing with a family financial crisis is a difficult, painful and frustrating test hour, but also one that will teach you that when you work together, you are capable of anything. Good luck!