Keeping the marriage going – 6 Strong Tips
Keeping the marriage going; Dr. Jeffrey Arnett of Clark University (ClD University), surveyed over 1,000 young people aged 18-29, and found that 86% of them estimate that they will be married forever. In practice, findings show that in the US 52 % Of women and 65% are divorcing. Why does the hope that characterizes many of us live forever with a choice for our son turn out to be blind optimism? Psychologists are currently conducting longitudinal studies involving thousands of pairs, in an attempt to clarify the picture.
Stable marriage – is it in our hands?
According to Dr. Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University (PhD, Stony Brook University), there are now a number of factors that can underlie a stable marriage. Some, like origin, are beyond human control. Very changeable. However, many behaviors that affect the quality of the relationship can certainly be changed, and help maintain a close, stable, and long-term relationship
Studies by the National Center for Health Statistics show that Asian women, along with Hispanic men who were born outside the country, are most likely to be married for more than 20 years (70%). In contrast, among African American women, the lowest number of cases of marriage lasting more than 20 years (47%). Among white women and men,
it was found that the chance of a married couple staying together for more than 20 years, stood at 50%. It was also found that education plays a role. The probability of women with a bachelor’s degree to remain married for at least 20 years was 78%, while among women with a high school education the percentage was 41%. It has also been found that couples who marry in their teens are more likely to divorce, compared to couples who married at a later age.
Quarrels and pressures – where does our energy go?
Another significant factor that affects the length of the marriage is the economic situation. The University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project found that 70% of couples who married without financial assets divorced within three years, compared to couples who began the marriage with a fortune of $ 10,000.
According to Dr. Terry Orbuch of the University of Michigan (Terry Orbuch, PhD, University of Michigan), money is a source of much controversy, even among more affluent couples. Couples attributed the distress of the relationship to financial issues.
Additional studies show that stress also affects divorce rates. A study by Dr. April Buck and Dr. Lisa Neff, of the University of Texas (April Buck, PhD, Lisa Neff, PhD, University of Texas), followed 165 newlyweds.
The couples were asked to record in a 14-day diary a variety of stressful events that befell them, along with a breakdown of the amount of energy they had invested in each such event. In addition, they were asked to indicate the number of negative and positive interactions that took place that day with their partner, including their degree of satisfaction with the relationship.
Unsurprisingly, it was found that the days that were subject to more powerful pressures were the days when the couple expressed little satisfaction from their relationship. The researchers estimated that the energy invested in managing stressful events was at the expense of the energy that could be invested in the marital relationship (Journal of Family Psychology, 2012). When it comes to couples in low socioeconomic status, the amount of stress increases, and the burden on the relationship increases.
How to maintain a relationship?
Fortunately, psychologists are discovering that there are many ways to maintain a relationship. How do you do that?
- Be good, not just bad
Studies show that spouses need mutual support and encouragement, even as part of positive change and success. According to Dr. Shelly Gable of the University of Santa Barbara, spouses who received support from their partner after a positive event expressed satisfaction with themselves and the relationship. However, the partner’s ability to support after a negative event Researchers attribute this to the fact that during a negative event the individual is less available to evaluate the support he receives from the environment (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2012).
- Know how to quarrel
According to Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, 69% of disputes in relationships do not come to a solution. It is not the content of the arguments, but the way they are conducted. Years relies on the ability of spouses to treat each other pleasantly and considerately, even in quarrels. Study of the University of California followed 136 couples for 10 years, and found that the quality of communication between spouses predicts the longevity of the relationship, more From other variables such as the degree of commitment, personality traits, and stressors that are exerted on the couple (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2010).
- Conversation topics
According to Guttman, a stable and long-term relationship is based on communication that includes in-depth conversations, not just conversations about day-to-day conduct. Couples who express satisfaction with their relationship, are the ones who make sure to share with their spouses their dreams, aspirations and fears. According to Orbuch, such communication is essential and underlies the ability to develop deep cognition, which increases closeness.
- The power of small gestures
Orbuch found that 75% of satisfied couples stated that their partner makes them feel loved and special. “These are different expressions of affection and caring in everyday life. For example, leaving a loving note in your wallet, or a massage at the end of a long day,” Orbuch adds. It has also been found that men need these certifications more than women. Orbuch estimates that men’s need for these gestures is stronger, as women receive more displays of affection and appreciation in their daily routine. For example, a hug from a nurse or a good friend, or even a flattering word from a stranger on the street. Men, on the other hand, rely mostly on the marital relationship, as a source of affection and warmth.
- Fight erosion
According to Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of the book “Myths of Happiness” (Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, Myths of Happiness, 2013), the intensity of an individual’s emotions, even towards positive factors in his life, decreases over time. Psychologists point to three factors that help slow down The erosion – adherence to innovations, diversity, and surprises in the relationship.In this sense, spending time at a party or going on a trip, is occasionally preferable to another familiar evening in front of the TV.New situations evoke in the couple excitement they have not felt since the courtship period.
- Hard work
According to Dr. Nicholas Kirsh, a couple therapist (Nocholas Kirsh, Md), the most important factor is the recognition that a relationship requires constant maintenance. He explains that “people are used to continuously investing in many different occupations. When it comes to sports, they adhere to training, when it comes to their profession, they turn to workshops and advanced training. At the same time, they assume that their relationship will continue to thrive naturally. That is not true, it is necessary to invest continuously. “
It seems that despite the daunting statistics, a quality and long-term relationship here is certainly possible. The key lies in the couple’s willingness not to be indifferent and invest a lot of energy over the years, in searching for ways to get closer and understand each other, over and over again.