How to maintain a relationship during covid
We are getting a lot of question during the covid virus like – “How to maintain a relationship during covid 19?” Let’s start; Unequal division of household chores, financial apprehension and lack of empathy are the three most difficult marital problems that characterized the first closure. The marriage counselor with tips to help you overcome the challenges – so that in the current closure things will look different.
Just before the second quarantine begins, and after it is already pretty clear to all of us what a crowded family stay looks like and what its implications are, I have compiled some tips for successful couple conduct in the near future, born from lessons learned from the previous quarantine period.
In the months since returning to my routine, I have met couples and individuals who have sought to heal and ameliorate the damage that the corona virus has brought with it, and I have learned from them and with them about the pains, difficulties and mines that have arisen following the challenging period.
So that this time things would look different, I went back to the cases that came to me at the clinic, checked and investigated the main complaints that arose, and formulated tips that will hopefully help you get through the upcoming closure in peace.
“I have no one to lean on, I’m alone” – make sure you feel the division of tasks is fair.
“The Corona period stressed to me how much I really have no partner. As usual, I was the one who had to manage everything.
Take care of the children, work and home, make sure his and mine parents get along and have everything they need, and at the same time find myself in this land craze. “Shaking and endless fears and anxieties. I felt I was collapsing from all the physical and emotional burden, and that in all this situation I had no one to share and no one to help, and if not, then what is there here at all?”
The issue of “carrying alone in the common burden” is probably the main issue that recurred in couples after the first closure, when the stage was the painful recognition of one or both parties that they feel alone, that bottom line they experience loneliness within the relationship, and no partnership .
When this issue came up in the clinic room, there was a remedy for it. One shared frustrations and insults, the other agreed to listen, see and take responsibility, and new models of working together were built. The closer solution was made possible, because it is easy for all of us to agree that at the root of close relationships lies an expectation of reciprocity, and that in a healthy and proper state each party is asked to receive but also to give.
We all also manage to understand that people are governed by unwritten or unspoken contracts, which they have usually formulated in the beginning, and which are not necessarily more appropriate. From these insights, when spouses are able to communicate what they are feeling and speak logically without blaming or hurting, they are also able to achieve the cooperation of their loved ones, and make more effort for them and for the relationship.
In the current lockdown it is important that on the one hand, we talk about what we are feeling and asking for, and that on the other hand we make sure that we go out of our way for the other. If new tasks need to be added, such as intensive care for children, the home and extended family, both spouses should explore together how to deal with them and how to share them, and reach new agreements that take everyone into account and express the friendship and partnership between them.
Do not assume that things are just going by themselves, or that your spouse is comfortable with the situation. Talk about it and make sure you’re both okay with it.
If you feel that everything falls on you, make sure you communicate your expectations and requests at the right time and place, that the discourse revolves around requests and not around claims, that you are optimistic and believe you will solve the problems together, and that you really make room for the other side.
Do not let things deteriorate, and make sure your voice is heard.
If you are on the side that is more or less going on as before, try to find out how your spouse feels about the burden that has been created, and how you can help them. From my point of view, there is no reason in the world why people should move and strive for their partner, just in response to pleas, cries or threats to end the relationship.
Even without the aspiration to “fight for the house” or the anxiety of abandonment as a motivating factor for couple work, one can change and strive for our loved ones. The easiest, simplest, right and fairest way to do this, is to show them routinely and fluently that we care, and that we are in this story, as in any other story, together.
“Are you having a hard time? I’m having a hard time!” – Allow yourself to hear the difficulty and empathize.
“I’m just shocked by his indulgence. It’s not enough that I’m the one working right now, fighting a war for survival over the business that allows us to afford our standard of living, not sleeping at night, quarreling with the whole world during the day, and he even dares to complain about not helping the kids. Or shopping at home ?!
Of course I understand that it’s hard to be with the kids all day, but he’s not working right now anyway, and what to do that right now the home arena falls a little more on him ?! How opaque can one be to the other? “
Many times, when spouses seek to share their difficulty with the other, instead of gaining a sympathetic ear they find themselves very quickly in a messaging arena where each slaps the other how much he suffers and how hard it is for him. Instead of being one for the other, acknowledging each other’s feelings and thinking about how to make it easier for everyone, the situation created is a circular discourse of comparing difficulties and reckonings.
Although this situation can be very discouraging, there is a good chance that it actually heralds positive things in a relationship. When we love someone and really, really want him to be well, sometimes it’s hard for us to hear that he’s having a hard time. In response, we deny, argue, reject, justify or try to persuade, thus conveying to our spouses abusive messages that achieve the exact opposite goal than the one they aimed for.
In the current lockdown, it is important that we agree to listen to our spouse’s difficulties, even if we do not think they are justified.
It is important that we examine our reactions, ask ourselves why we feel attacked when our spouse tells us that it is difficult for them, and remind ourselves that we are not responsible for our spouse’s happiness, that we did not disappoint anyone or fail if difficult, and that the best gift we can Giving our loved ones is our listening and understanding, alongside acknowledging their difficulty.
So talk and share difficulties, show your partner that you understand how they feel, ask them what you can do to help them, and try to think together of possible solutions that will make it easier for both of you.
“We have never fought for money like that” – find the conditions under which you can talk about money
“When she started talking to me about the shopping I did online, and about now having to see how expenses are reduced, I felt I was broken.
There were always gaps between us in a million things, but at least the financial arena was quiet. Her hysteria around this issue just drives me crazy. Okay, “It’s a difficult time, but she’s going through it. What she’s not going through is how I feel about her obsessive preoccupation with money, and the pressures she’s putting on me on this issue to align her anxieties.”
Money is a very complex issue, and even people who more or less got along with this field until the Corona period, found themselves facing new and very challenging difficulties for a relationship. One of the most notable changes that has taken place in the past year has been the joining of hundreds of thousands of families into the unemployment cycle, so that even people who have never faced career and financial difficulties were asked to cope in a surprising, threatening, difficult and anxious situation.
In the financial sense, the current closure could exacerbate the situation, and even create further problems. If people have managed to raise their head, and feel that there is some hope to put this painful story behind, the second closure comes and can lead to feelings of despair, frustration and helplessness.
Last time, people told about the distance that the economic aspect created marital difficulties. They said they were unable to work with their spouses to improve the situation, did not feel understood or backed up, did not learn to appreciate or respect the conduct of the other, and did not find a way to reach out to each other, help or encourage. These situations spawned a lot of quarrels and disagreements, anger and charges, which were very difficult to forget or correct.
In the current lockdown we should start talking about the financial issue, and this time from a place that seeks to study the other. Start by sharing with each other what you feel when financial issues arise, in your biggest fear in the field, and why you think it was created.
Talk about the way you treated the subject in the home where you grew up, the promises you made to yourself, the perceptions and priorities of life, the stories you heard and influenced, the accomplishments you made – and the failures.
Next, tell your spouse what can help you talk about the topic, what you ask of them, and in what situations it will be easier for you to have a discussion. Assure each other that you do not leave anyone alone in this arena, that you recognize the shared responsibility, and that even if you are different, and even if it is not easy for you, you want and can make an effort and learn to manage this story together.
In conclusion, in the near closure we are entering, we can decide that we are maintaining the couple arena, and even take advantage of the situation for the purpose of assigning improvements through which we will create a corrective couple experience.
Along with the stories about the distance and difficulties I heard recently, there were also quite a few stories about couple and family time that connected people, about new and closer priorities, about feelings of cohesion and connection, about positive surprises and exciting discoveries – that can and should be learned from.
The coming period can be difficult and stressful, but it can also be an opportunity for change, correction and improvement. Take advantage of family time and the fact that you are facing a common threat to mend and unite, to remember, to refresh the existing good and to thank for what is there.