Red Flags On A First Date – 9 Main Questions!
Red flags on a first date can often be identified at the beginning of the relationship or the date. Our experts with all the questions that will help shed light on the mental state of the person sitting in front of you.
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The topic of physical and mental violence does not go down in the headlines, and the question that is asked is whether anyone could fall into such a relationship, and can this be prevented in the first place?
In many cases, it is possible to avoid entering into a destructive relationship, but to do so there are two aspects to focus on: the first is diagnosing your partner’s condition already in the initial stages of dating, and the second is diagnosing and taking responsibility for your personal situation.
Let’s start with the first – diagnosing the condition of the man (or woman) with whom you are dating. To diagnose the condition of the man (or woman) in front of you, you do not need to be a qualified psychologist, just know what questions to ask, how to interpret the answers you receive and why to pay attention to his behavior.
Many counselors recommend not going into in-depth conversations on first dates and just doing a pan. I, on the other hand, believe that a deep and personal conversation creates closeness and interest, and that the information you receive in such a conversation is necessary for understanding the real situation of the other person.
So what do you ask and when?
Some of the questions I will present can be asked on the first phone call, and if you did not have such a call before the date (and I think it is desirable that, in order to really impress the person), try to raise them on the first date.
• His relationship with his nuclear family – Heavy charges, disconnections and burning anger will be a prominent warning sign that you should not ignore.
• Occupational stability – Occupational stability and a field of career that matches his skills are a sign of a person’s ability to function and mental state.
• Past Relationships – Often when people are asked about past relationships, they dismiss it as saying, “We had communication problems” or “We were not a good match,” which explains nothing.
In my opinion, it is important that you understand what really happened. If he slanders her, blames her and does not see his part in the matter, tells that she has been found to be “unstable”, expresses hatred or indicates a relationship steeped in heated quarrels – there is definitely a prominent warning sign here.
And if at the first meeting he is reluctant to talk about it, do not stress, but return to the subject as soon as possible and insist on getting a serious answer.
• Anxieties, depressions and mental disorders – If someone suffers from severe anxiety, recurrent depression or is diagnosed with a mental disorder, it does not detract from it, but it should be taken into account that this will have consequences, and the more severe the condition, the more significant they will be.
Use of psychiatric pills or drugs / alcohol on a daily basis – despite their different nature, pills and drugs are used for the same purpose: they mask pain, fear and difficult thoughts. I am not judging people who need it, I am just saying that if someone leans regularly on external crutches, it means that their internal condition may be impaired.
• How he feels about himself – sometimes a simple question such as “Do you love yourself?” Or “Are you happy?”, Will provide you with a direct and clear answer to your mental state.
• How he speaks to and about others – The most prominent thing that indicates a sense of worthlessness is how a person speaks to and about others. The more blatant and disparaging the speech, the more you will know that the speaker’s sense of worthlessness is deeper, and you can expect that in the end, it will be directed at you as well.
• He totally in to you without knowing you – one of the disturbing signs that many fall into the trap and think he is something good, is a crazy and exaggerated enthusiasm that comes too soon.
I can assure you that someone who “flew over you” even before he really knew you, is not really enthusiastic about you but the perfect image he has built about you in his mind’s eye, and as fast as he soared, the pink balloon will explode as soon as you see a glimmer of humanity and weakness.
In fact, he seeks to escape the abysses within him, and only a perfect fantasy can take him out of there for a moment.
• His past – There is no person who has not experienced things that others might judge. Therefore, what is interesting to understand is whether the past is still alive and kicking in him or whether he has grown from it to a better place (in this matter, pay particular attention to the emotion that accompanies the words he will describe).
• Sexual function – Difficulty in sexual function will probably not be detected immediately, but it may be detected fairly quickly. Sexual problems are in most cases an indication of emotional problems, and therefore the solution will not be found in sexual therapy but in an attempt to understand what is the emotional problem behind the disorder, and whether it is solvable.
Of course there are other things you can learn about later, such as: outbursts of anger, arrogance, humiliation, difficulty in daily functioning, suffocating jealousy, inability to consider and see his part in the matter, or the ongoing drama in his life will force you to serve as his psychologist much of the time.
Of course, not all cues need to exist together. Each of them on a certain level (since not every friction with the family is a cause for panic), constitutes a warning sign.
My recommendation is to look at things critically, probably contrary to other voices that keep saying, “Don’t be picky” and “What are you doing?”. Therefore, it is important to remember that an injured person is an offending person.
He does not do it because he is bad, he does it out of pain and lack of control. And one more little thing – this conversation really doesn’t have to look like an investigation. If you show genuine curiosity, the other person will open up.
The second aspect that will help you not to enter into a destructive relationship is your mental state. In fact, everything I wrote above is true of you as well. And for yourself it’s even simpler, because you know exactly how you feel on the inside, no matter what others see.
If most of the time you are frustrated, angry, sad and crying, depressed more than once and never quiet. If you do not love yourself even though everyone tells you how wonderful you are, and you are constantly anxious that you will not get what you want – you are in trouble.
If at the beginning of a relationship you immediately come under constant pressure, consult with the whole world about everything and are unable to find peace, a sign that you do not have your own inner backing.
If you do not feel love for those close to you and do not enjoy talking, if you live in anticipation of the love of truth that will finally save you, your chances of falling into the honey trap of an unbalanced guy is great.
Hence, the first thing you need to do is change your inner state and get to a better place. And no, sitting in therapy is really not enough. You need to see results in the field, not just mark ‘V’ for being in the process.
So if you are committed to change, do not continue treatment just because it is pleasant and the caregiver has become a surrogate mother, and do not become addicted to long-term care. If necessary, switch even ten therapists until you find one or the other that will motivate you to real change.