Why Do Men Pull Away Once You Are Into Them?
Early relationships seem to be characterized by waves, waves of joy and waves of anxiety. Every wave that comes is affected by the behavior of the other party in the relationship, in this case – by the behavior of the man.
“I feel like he’s moving away. So far, everything’s been really going on and then something has changed. Suddenly moving away, less communicative and proactive. With every message my heart knocks because I have a feeling he’s going to finish it!”; “It seems to me that I am cutting from him, why wait? I am cutting and enough before he does it”; “I knocked it out somehow, it’s probably because I told him I miss it! Now he’s stressed!”
These testimonies are heard in my clinic again and again. So what’s going on over there on the other side of this tango dance? Why does someone who felt close, suddenly one day signals that he is less interested? why is it happening? And what can be done about it? I will try to describe and explain in this article.
First, the infatuation path for men and women is different. In rough generalization, in women a relationship will usually begin with great hesitation. You usually check on him, check that he answers everything you want, check if you are attracted to him, if he is someone to bring home, if he is communicative and nice to you. It takes you a little longer to decide that you are interested, but once the decision is made it allows you to start feeling things, which makes you more connected.
In men the route is different. They decide almost immediately whether they are on or off, they already know if they are enthusiastic about you or not, and whether they want to continue dating you. At this point in the couples dance, you are still not closed yourself and it only makes him even more trying to “convince” you that he is worthy. If it managed to get him started, but did he? In fact, something interesting is starting here, because here he will be the one to start moving away. This happens almost always at every beginning of a relationship. Sometimes it is not noticeable and sometimes it eliminates the connection. Precisely when he begins to be pleasant, precisely when he begins to seem to have marital potential, he goes back a step and sometimes even ends the relationship that has not really begun yet. So why is this happening? Here are some reasons that are probably intertwined:
- The male remoteness phase
Men need freedom and privacy, and we have a tendency to want them close to us all the time. These are two opposing needs. In a good and healthy relationship system, each party must respect and acknowledge the other’s need. So, when you are interested in attention and courtship the man should be there for you but when the man walks away, why is it so hard for us to allow him to be with himself? If we were familiar with male behavior we might have been able to anticipate the remoteness phase and not be alarmed by it.
- Calculating new route
Once you start to feel something, the defense goes down and you feel more exposed and vulnerable, which leads to behavioral change. Could you become someone who transmits independence and strength to someone who needs strengthening and a constant demonstration of love, or maybe someone who is light and flowing to someone who is anxious and silent? There are also those who become cold, disconnected, distant, insecure and even nervous or sad.
What is certain is that there is a behavioral change on the part of the woman, and the man feels it. Even if you don’t think something in your projection is changing. He felt this without being aware of it. As a result he begins to see you from a different angle, he discovers sides that have not come out before, and he does not always like them. This discovery makes him move away to re-examine the situation.
- The parable of the cave
In Dr. John Gray’s gifted book, “Men from Mars Women from Venus,” he describes how women in crisis cases tend to gather with other women in order to vent and speak their hearts, while men’s coping is “going to the cave” – meaning, disconnecting And lonelier to resolve with them what is troubling them. He further adds that most of the friction and quarrels stem from the woman trying “forcibly” to get the man out of his cave before he is ready for it. It is important to understand that the beginning of a relationship is characterized by many tensions and confusion, and as we women go through this phase of consulting with friends, they simply go through it with some distance. And the thing is, it’s natural and it’s okay.
- The anxiety after
Some people find that when they start approaching their partner, they become very anxious. It can be anxious about committing, anxious about getting in touch, anxious about losing something else or anxious about feeling rejected. This unpleasant feeling of anxiety often causes men to step back. They usually attribute the feeling that something outside them is wrong. They will tend to look for flaws and shortcomings on the other side instead of looking in and realizing that maybe they are not really capable of committing, maybe they still want to get back to the ex, maybe they are afraid of connection and the like. Almost paradoxically, the higher the potential for attachment, the higher the anxiety level, since when we go out with people who don’t “do it” to us, the anxiety level is low.
so what should you do?
Women who feel their man moving away are in terrible stress, which is understandable. All the sensors in the brain warn “he’s going to throw you” but, and that’s a big one, it’s not always that way. However, in my opinion, if you give a man freedom, let him stay away and find out for himself what he needs to find out to overcome his fears without pressing or pressing, without having to make heavy calls: “You stay away from me,” without examining him And without cutting the meat prematurely and throwing it first, there’s a good chance (assuming it’s a mature man) that he’ll be able to get through his fears and find his way back to you.
The keywords here are – allow space. Allowing this space is one of the significant parameters not only for the beginning of a relationship but for all relationships. When we allow a person to find out things with himself and not act out of inner pressure and insecurity, but give the time, space and privacy that others need, we convey that we are very confident in ourselves and that we are peaceful and calm.
It is also important to respect the other party who sometimes needs this time and of course this leaves him a place to miss. When a man discovers that his woman is patient and allows him to go through the processes he has to go through, he appreciates her, he cherishes her and finally he also returns to her.
How long is it possible?
Each one decides for itself according to its principles and ability to self-control, because the frustrating thing is to learn to control the internal anxiety that awaits us, the same anxiety that emerged when we didn’t hear from him for a whole day, or when he didn’t invite me to know his friends, the same anxiety that causes You want to finish it before he does it himself.
At the beginning of a relationship, nothing is fixed and certain. We are in an uncertain world, expectations are high and many times we tend to be disappointed and irritated prematurely. Give him his pace, just because you’re done debating it does not mean he’s done. Let him discover the good sides of you. Now it is your turn in the courting game to “convince” him that you deserve, and you will do so with a demonstration of spirit, respect and understanding.
I will only emphasize that the intent in “allowing” is not to allow him to behave towards you in a disrespectful and abusive manner, but to allow him to take a small step back within the relationship, so that he can go five steps forward. It is to intelligently maintain a fine line, it is to convey on the one hand that you expect to be treated nicely and that you will not put up with any of his inappropriate behavior, and on the other hand you accept that his pace is different and that he needs private space, and does not make “movies” when you feel a certain distance .